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Good therapy is hard work, not to mention that it can already be a feat to get started. Folks who know, know . It can take a lot of courage and vulnerability to ask for help and to commit to investing in yourself and what you care about.  Why Therapy? There are so many valid reasons and barriers for why many people may express resistance to exploring therapy. Addressing these is important to the field and to training effective mental health providers. This blog, however, focuses on the scope of what therapy can be so that you can determine whether it is a fit for you, your child, your relationship, or your family.   At its root, therapy is a safe and confidential space to seek support from a trained, licensed, ethical, and boundaried professional. Therapy can be used to address needs but can also be utilized as preventative care. There is no “right time” to begin therapy, just as there is no one “right way” to do therapy - it’s all individual. Therapy can be short-term and skills focused, or span years, depending on needs or individual preference. While therapy can often be explored following stressful life events (e.g., death, divorce, job losses, trauma) and following the presence of disruptive symptoms (e.g., depression, anxiety, disordered eating, etc.), it can also be prompted prior to or following eventful life transitions (e.g., new jobs, new baby, moves, marriage). In addition to these life events, many individuals may choose to begin therapy at a time when things feel calm or when they wish to look inward and work on the goals that matter to them. These goals can include, but of course are not limited to: Increasing understanding of self (e.g., patterns, needs) Strengthening one's relationship with self or other Increasing coping strategies and skills (e.g., communication skills, regulation, parenting skills, etc.) Processing life stressors and events to increase understanding and management Meeting one’s life goals/values Understanding, processing, or healing from past adverse events Maintaining healthy coping behaviors If you are considering therapy for yourself or a loved one, perhaps some of your experiences or your goals may map onto this list. And perhaps they might not. That really is the beauty of therapy - you get to decide when to begin, what to focus on, and who to work with. Fortunately, the wide range of therapist training and specialties can aid you in finding a great match. Getting Started Before searching for providers, it may be helpful to determine the following: Goals for therapy (these can continue to be honed in therapy) What you want interpersonally from a therapist Financial needs (i.e., insurance, sliding scale, private pay, etc.) Scheduling availability Therapy modality (i.e., individual, group, couples, family, play, and parent skills training) Your preference between meeting in-person or virtually It is similarly important to reflect on your reservations for therapy. This may inform what provider you are seeking or how you may best be supported in therapy. We encourage you to think about how you might like to share this information when consulting with a new provider so that you can get a feel for whether you may be a good fit. Finding a Fit To select a therapy provider, it is important to decide what type of therapy you might be interested in. Some therapeutic orientations may be time-limited, structured, or skills-focused. Others may be process-focused, relational, or experiential. And still some may offer a mix, depending on the need. Inquire by asking the provider to share more about how they practice, how they approach your presenting concern, and how they structure sessions.  Interviewing is key to establishing trust and collaboration. You may ask about their training level, comfort with specific topics, schedule availability, fees, etc. You are additionally encouraged to ask for clarification for anything explained to you. It is important that you feel empowered and respected throughout this process. This is the time to begin to get a feel for how you two connect, as well. Do you feel heard during this call? Does it seem like their approach is a fit for what you’re envisioning or for what you think you might need? Feel free to take your time to interview multiple therapists, as well. There is no set timeline or rush to select a provider to work with. You get to set your pace and you get to decide when to move forward. You may have noticed that we’ve mentioned the goodness of fit between the therapist and client a few times now, and for good reason. This “fit” plays an important role in the effectiveness of therapy. In fact, research consistently shows that the working alliance between therapist and client impacts treatment outcomes . Characteristics that are often highlighted within these relationships include feeling understood and supported, feeling able to trust and open up to the therapist, perceiving an active and collaborative relationship with the therapist, and feeling aligned in terms of goals and how to reach those goals, to name just a few. As with any relationship or fit in your life, you get to determine what characteristics feel most important to you when you are evaluating your fit with a provider. Therapy Tips While what makes therapy feel like the right fit can be unique to you, we’ve highlighted a few tidbits that can help you co-create a therapeutic space that works well for you and for your needs:  Collaboration and communication is welcomed.   Offering ongoing feedback and expressing needs is essential for getting the most out of the time. This may include changes to level of challenge in sessions, requests for resources, or changes to the pace of therapy. Integration makes progress.  By practicing skills consistently, you receive real-time feedback about what works and transfer in-session experiences to daily life. It can take time for trust/emotional safety to develop, and that’s okay. It is important to feel respected and anticipate that that trust/safety can be built with this person. It is also okay to switch if that’s not your experience.   Therapy is effortful work.  While it is normal for it to be challenging, the approach of therapy and pacing can be adjusted to meet your needs. It may also be helpful to review support needs in/before/after sessions. Progress is yours. You don’t owe your therapist progress or performances. It is your time to be honest and get the support you truly need.  If you’ve decided that this might be a good time for you and your loved one to begin therapy, there are multiple avenues you can turn to to find your match. Larger online directories (e.g., Psychology Today , Mental Health Match , Therapy T ribe , Inclusive Therapists , etc.) hold a host of options for finding a therapist, as do directories yo u can request from your insurance representatives. There are smaller, more niche directories as well, including those specific to perinatal and postpartum experiences ( Postpartum Support International ). While therapy is not the only path to receiving support, we hope we have demystified the process should this be an option you choose to explore. Parenting is challenging, particularly when we are in need of extra support or guidance - and you and your children are always worth it.

Not that it’s a contest, but perhaps the hardest challenge of parenting is letting go. And we do it all the time.  All the Ways As parents, we are in a constant state of loss. Loss for the versions of ourselves that we knew before embarking on parenting : loss of time, the semblance of control, sleep, and freedom of planning beyond ourselves. And still it persists. We continue to say goodbye to the many versions of our children, the way they move, laugh, and express their needs.  We do it in louder ways by finding skilled caregivers to care for them in our absence, scheduling playdates, dropping them off at school, and then perhaps, sending them off to college. Every life stage challenges our children and us in unique ways. From changes in toys, clothes, routines, and interests, we expand the ways we interact with and understand our children.  Often in this developmental parting, we miss out on milestones. There is loss in this. Sometimes health or situational factors offer us detours on what we believe we “should” have experienced. And sometimes, our children’s growing individuation offers us minimal responses. We get vague replies and stay hungry to their private lives and experiences.  And while we will expound on the benefits of such changes and growth, we must also honor the constant ache of parenting and saying goodbye. We do it often - even in the presence of celebrating the joys of independence.  Why It Matters The losses we experience aren’t inherently “bad” or “wrong.” In most cases they are evidence of our children’s development. In our absence, our children are offered opportunities to expand their understanding of themselves and their world. By expanding their community, children are able to build connections with peers, experience opportunities for collaboration, and increase their ability to self-regulate.  Our ability to experience trust in our children’s capabilities is also linked to their decreased dependency on us. Our children need to develop their own sense of mastery - which includes having opportunities to struggle. They can increase self-efficacy through experiential learning and in turn establish a clear sense of self. This means understanding who they are outside of their relationship to others - including their parents.   Change is a certainty of life, and in the ways we grow to adapt to change - so do our children. By naming the duality of these experiences, we model for our children our capacity to accommodate all the emotions that accompany change.  How We Cope While as parents we may understand that letting go is an act of love, it is not easily done. Many parents may choose to hold on tighter. This in turn may present as tenseness, rigidity, and resistance with our children. In turn, children may learn to conform to their parents’ needs at the expense of their own needs or lean harder into their independence. This can often occur in adolescence, when negotiating new roles and the freedom and independence within roles can be necessary . The act of simply acknowledging shifts can be useful for ourselves and then with community. In doing so, we can practice making space for the transitional events that occur and benefit from understanding that our struggles are not in isolation. While we cannot escape the loss of change, the shared experience with other parents can help to alleviate the weight of such loss.  True acceptance of  what is can also free us up to connect with the love of letting go and other positive experiences that may appear. For instance, we can appreciate the time that we get back, the resolve of our children, and witness their growth in “real time.” These changes present as opportunities to label and appreciate with our children.  “This hard thing happened, and it was incredible to see you navigate it.”  “You were so unsure of yourself, and I saw you work it out.”  “I noticed an ease and confidence in you that wasn’t there weeks ago. You stuck with it and made the most of it.” Further, when we connect to what is so meaningful about time with our children, we contact what is so precious about staying present . We contact the realization that time moves quickly and that parenting, in this current form, is fleeting. This presence facilitates true connection to what we dearly value, and assures us that when we could - we chose to be there fully.

Long days. Bumpy rides. Movement and noise and waiting, waiting, waiting. On its own, traveling can be hard. Throw an infant or a toddler into the mix, and the complexity is amplified. Given the sense of overwhelm and dread so many parents experience prior to traveling, we’re here to provide some additional support that extends beyond how to pack. The Luggage: Unpacked Whether we’re traveling for reasons of joy or necessity, we bring expectations with us. These may appear in seemingly benign ways: “I want this to be a special experience for the kids” or “I should have this down by now.” However, they may hold more power over us than we realize. Whether these thoughts are about our own behaviors, our children’s, or the trip altogether - they are present and persistent. When we fail to recognize what expectations we may be clinging to, then we miss the ways they can contribute to increased pressure and judgment towards our or our children’s experiences. Suddenly the events that are simply outside of our control (and so many are!) become personal failures and our unknowing becomes fuel for self-criticism. While we can compassionately understand that holding expectations is part of the human experience, it can also be something we choose to “ unhook ” from, or in this case - unpack.  With this in mind, we’ve highlighted the following principles you may actually want to include on your travels to support you as you navigate your upcoming trips. Allowance for the Moment First, our children are allowed to take up space .  Offer yourself the reminder that your child is allowed to have the experience they are having, and it’s okay for you to come alongside them. Not to rush it, not to shoo it away, but to be with them as it comes. We can give space to whatever experiences our children may have – and to whatever emotions  show up for them, big or small. This anchoring principle incorporates the following: Embodies emotional acceptance  (i.e., an openness to emotions and to the emotional experiences of our children).  Welcomes our child’s authenticity  (i.e., who they are and all of their experiences that come along with being themselves). Challenges messaging that prioritizes a “right” way to exist.   This includes messages that we shouldn’t be “too much,” “too sensitive,” “too loud,” “too opinionated,” or that we exist for the approval of others. We want to highlight that these messages are not gender specific – and they can also span across ages, cultures, and family systems. Shifting the Spotlight Second, we can choose where to turn toward : we can choose to tune in where we are most needed and where we want  to focus. If you tend to worry about what other adults may think or feel mid-meltdown, don’t look around. Even the most neutral expression at that time can be easily interpreted by our minds to be judging or unforgiving. It’s okay to choose to focus solely on your child. When we allow ourselves to have a spotlight on our child and what they are experiencing, we can let go of some of the pressure we hold as parents about what others are thinking about our children or about us (or our abilities) as a parent. We can rest assured that other adults are able to care for themselves in these moments. Instead, we can align with the child in front of us that requires our help in order to navigate this storm. You can join alongside  your child and hold out your umbrella. This is Temporary Third, this moment is temporary, and the memory of it for other passengers will be, too. Although we may feel pulled to quickly squash a mid-air meltdown as soon as we possibly can, sometimes our best efforts to soothe or co-regulate don’t work. Sometimes our children are too far in and their nervous system needs to go through the rest of the steps before it can come back to baseline. That is to say, yes – some meltdowns are not quick. Some can definitely last.. a while. And yet, just as they come, they eventually go . That is a constant we can hold onto. And the more allowance we give ourselves and our children for their emotions to take the time they’re requiring, the more able we are to sit with them in it. In these moments, we can remind ourselves that those witnessing this meltdown – all of the passengers, the flight attendants, and especially anyone nearby – are likely to soon forget about this moment. Sure, they may be bothered as it’s happening. That’s understandable, and that’s okay. As stated already, it’s absolutely okay for your child to be experiencing their emotions, too. It’s doubtful that this event will occupy the same amount of space in others’ minds as we expect it will. Instead, we can turn our attention back to our child and to what they are needing from us in these hard moments. We can remind ourselves that we are continually planting seeds for our children. Seeds that take root and that sprout into their understanding of the world, their expectations of others, and their beliefs about themselves and their experiences. This visualization offers the reminder that this is a gradual and long-term process, and that we can be intentional about planting and watering the seeds that we wish to see grow. This isn’t to say that one event is make or break – far from it. There is plenty of room to make mistakes and try again and grow as a parent.  After all, being a “ good enough parent ” is  good enough . And still, when we allow ourselves to remember that the impacts of our actions matter most to our kids, it can be easier to step away from our concerns about quickly shuffling away their feelings to make others more comfortable. So: take a breath and pause. Use the tools that help you to stay present in the moment. Remind yourself of precisely how you want to show up for your child in these moments and the images and messages you want them to take away from these times. Lean in with Gentleness Travel day meltdowns are hard – really, really hard. The emotions your child experiences have no weight on who you are as a parent. The length of their meltdown does not equate to how much you love or care for your child. They also don’t define how wonderful and loving your child is, either. We can take off these pressures and allow our children and ourselves to take space, feel our feelings, tune into what matters, and let go of the rest. Whether you’re embarking on a travel day that will be smooth sailing or hold frequent bumps ahead, know that your reassuring approach can matter more than the turbulence.

For any parent who has ever been covered in their child’s bodily fluids or been humbled by a toddler’s sass, the humor doesn’t reveal itself instantly, but it can’t be denied. Nothing pairs better with parenting than a healthy sense of humor.  Isn’t it Funny Humor has long been recognized as an important resource for well-being. While various styles of humor exist, generally (when free of aggression and self-defeat) humor can offer many benefits. Laughing can decrease stress levels by way of reducing epinephrine and cortisol. When shared in connection, humor can release dopamine, oxytocin, and endorphins. These neurochemicals, often coined “feel good hormones”, promote positive emotions and well-being.  Beyond feeling good, humor can help with coping with stress and psychological distress. Humor also increases our life satisfaction, our relationships, and optimism. While we aren’t always in a position to change our circumstances or stressors, we can do wondrous things with how we approach them.  At a Distance Humor is often used as a therapeutic tool in another way - it can help with how we engage with our thoughts. This process is called cognitive defusion and is simply the wa y that we may hold content at a distance. This perspective-ta king, when done with distressing thoughts or feelings, can help  with lessening t he power they have over us. In tu rn, we can engage more flexibly with these experiences.  To be clear, this practi ce of defusion is not invalidation and should not be used to trivialize your experiences. It is understandably frustrating when the meal your child happily devoured yesterday is now being adamantly refused today. What we don’t want is the added suffering of piling on hardshi p. Rather than judging yourself or your child, make it comedy kindling. Far be it for us to tell you what’s funny, but we can offer some ways to work in the humor while aligning with your child.   Try personifying the thoughts in the accent of your favorite comedian. Heck, personify the food and apologize to it for cooking it wrong today.  Try stepping up the perspective-taking to that of an outside observer. Imagine that the camera just panned to you, and deliver your best Jim Halpert expression.  Lean into the silly. Give your child rating cards and thank them for their feedback.  Tap into the “it’ll be funny later” bit. Document this moment on camera (to acknowledge their feedback) and to appreciate the audacity later.  Connect with the human experience. Share with your parent friends who get it, and talk about how you were unceremoniously axed from today’s cooking challenge.  Rolling with Laughter AND Resistance Another time to show off you r funny and playful sides: when you feel pushback from your child. A t face value, your c hild may present as prickly and defiant. And maybe y ou have been blessed with a strong-willed leader. What is also likely true is that your child val ues connecting with you in play beyond mo st else. Tapping into this understanding during those times of tension can bring levity and laughs. Tough time with clean up or after-school routines? Time to gamify! Amp up the silly factor through choice-giving and join your chi ld by supporting their efforts: “Do you want us to clean up fast like cheetahs or slooowww like snails?” Lean into the humor you know your child is drawn to: maybe you'll be making silly faces at each other between each item you put away or maybe you'll join each other in a silly dance as you head to the bathroom to wash hands before snacktime. Life doesn't have to be so serious, and we can help make our “must do's” more enjoyable.  Things didn't go the way you planned and your child is feeling stuck? Channel your inner improv training: “Yes and…” can lead the way! Roll with new options, brainstorm together, and toss in a few suggestions that are sure to get giggles. Encourage your child to generate their own humorous suggestions and then work together to make your plan. Connecting in humor can help remind us that some things really might not be so big, and your impromptu improvs have the added bonus of boosting your child's cognitive flexibility skills.  Adding in humor can take many other forms, as well. Adopt a new accent, a silly wobble walk, or turn into the tickle monster as you chase your child from one activity to the next. Allow yourself to reminisce on the playfulness f rom your own childhood and see how you might wish to incorporate - from new dance moves to embracing your child's potty humor, and all that's in between.  Soak in the laughs and embrace your child's innermost language of play. You may be amazed how differently a situation can go once you meet your child at their level and bring on the silly. Parent at Play Let’s not forget to mention the importance of not taking oneself too seriously. It’s easy as parents to get caught up in doing our best by our children and miss that this childhood journey is for us, too . These are our  next opportunities to get lost in the novelty and silliness of youth.  It is inevitable that we’re going to mess up in big and small ways, just as your children will. Humor is another way to model the ability to be playful and light with oneself around mistakes and failures. The ability to laugh at ourselves with appreciation is powerful. It helps to communicate the ease that we can move into courageous challenges and practice full acceptance of ourselves. Consider that when a child can fully accept and appreciate themselves, there is nothing that can be attacked.  Humor is a buffer against the rough edges of parenting, and life in general. Unleash those dad jokes!

Anger, rage, wrath… we’re here for it. Many of us have complicated relationships with anger, and for good reasons. This read is all about why anger is so dear to us and why we believe it’s such an important emotion to nurture.  Why we Anger Simply put, anger is a cue to our bodies that a wrong or injustice has occurred. It is also termed as an activating emotion, because it can motivate us to act on these messages. This is actually key - our emotions are separate from our responses to them. The presence of anger is distinct from all the behavioral displays of it. We’ll return to this momentarily. And we also don’t experience just one emotion in isolation. The “ anger iceberg ” has been used to depict what is just beneath the surface. Anger is often more attainable and protective to settle into than other emotions. For many, anger conceals more vulnerable emotions such sadness, jealousy, grief, and shame .  In short- anger is protective and the presence of it is valid. It is a natural, human response to the perception and presence of threat.  How it Shows Up Still, if anger is not always what it seems, it can be difficult to discern what is bubbling up for you and for our children.  For our developing children, multiple factors contribute to how anger is expressed. Children’s brains are in constant development from before birth and into early adulthood. This means that children do not have the full capacity to regulate, inhibit, or exhibit self-control, and actually depend on their attachment figures to support co-regulation . Children will present with anger through behavioral displays of hitting, yelling, biting, blaming, throwing, withdrawing, tensing up, etc.  Tuning into escalating cues of anger help us to assess our child’s growing understanding of their experiences and what antecedents contribute to their anger. But this can get complicated - because our own relationships to anger can get embroiled.  As important as it is to understand your child’s experience of anger - this practice benefits both you and your child equally. Exploring your own cues of anger, which may present similarly, can deepen your understanding of what is happening for your child.  Too Hot to Touch? But this can be deeply challenging. Moving into anger exploration can prompt reminders of held beliefs and societal messages about what it means to experience or express anger. Typically, because anger and its expression are so often conflated, anger is presented as “bad.” This in turn can contribute to lack of exposure to anger and or minimal experience of it being expressed in healthy ways. Not having practice working with anger can also lead to discomfort, a felt sense of threat, and overwhelm. Moreover, a history of trauma can impact our own expressions of anger and dysregulation, possibly leading to shame and avoidance of confronting our histories.  Importantly, gender and race play a role in how we’re socialized to express (or suppress) anger. Often, anger is policed and villainized - further exacerbating harm to individuals. Acknowledging these barriers is so important because it validates the weight that parents carry in meeting their own and their children’s experiences of anger. Anger can show up in big ways - but understanding why is an important step in moving towards. How to Work with It While it’s possible that many of us did not receive support in navigating anger through childhood, it is also possible  to support our children with this important emotion.  If you’ve gotten this far, then you’re already acquainted with the skills. Anger is a valid human experience that your child is allowed to feel and has the capacity to experience. Helping them to understand the function of their anger takes time and is supported through compassion and curiosity. It is also important that your child is provided healthy and developmentally-appropriate outlets for expressing their anger. This may be co-established with your child or with the help of a professional (i.e., therapist, school counselor, teacher, occupational therapist , etc.).  As co-regulation is critical to this work, it also requires that you care for yourself so that you can show up as a stable, safe, and consistent presence in your child’s life. Caring for yourself before, during, and after your child’s expressions of anger are ways to build increased confidence to take on mad, and even begin to welcome it. Your child is working to understand what is and isn’t okay for them, and you play a powerful role in giving them safety, patience, and agency to express themselves.   What more support for working with emotions? Check our course: Emotions: How and Why to Feel Them  and downloadable: Working with Big Emotions .

This blog is about owning that sometimes it just doesn’t happen. We may bring the best of intentions to parenting and yet, sometimes we just don’t and we can’t. This read is all about how to work with these realities and how to prevent them, when possible. (We’ll keep this short.) The Reality of It Parenting pressure and stress is ubiquitous, and regardless of our resolve to do it all - we simply don’t. For some parents, this “dropping of the ball” occurs on occasion. The day got away, an unaccounted for demand popped up, or we over extended ourselves. For other parents, this has happened so often that it has made us cynical about what can be tackled or we have doubled down on the “try harder” myth.  Whether it be parenting interventions, house tasks, school events, extracurricular opportunities, or play dates, we can’t get to it all. Parents are juggling their own busy calendars and there simply isn’t enough juice in the tank to make it all happen. And this is before illness appears to wreak havoc on families and routines. We certainly can’t say enough about the physical toll these demands take on caregivers. Often we trade off sleep to try and gain more hours in the day. Even if we don’t willingly give sleep up, it’ll still cost us rest as we dwell on what could have happened long into the night.  The truth is that the emotional and mental load still takes a toll. We may not know how to start a task, feel pained about not being resourced enough to take a task on, feel overwhelmed by juggling so much, and we may not know what is realistic or sustainable.  In short, you’re not alone and there is good reason for why you’re noticing this happening. Rolling With it We started with naming this parenting reality because it’s the most compassionate thing to do. By first acknowledging how bad it feels to try and still feel like you’re failing - we can work with it. We can also then connect with the understanding that this is a reality so many of us deeply know and understand. Especially when life already feels so hard and complicated.  There may be grief here. It may be directly tied to what was missed or the culmination of understanding why so much gets missed. It’s normal and appropriate that grief shows up - it is a testament to what you value. And to err is human. We can move into accountability without shaming or guilting ourselves. This as much applies to our children as it does to us. We are greater than our actions and our roles- these missteps don’t need to define or limit us. It is possible to name the loss of missing a task, the impact of it, and reflect on what we can change to prevent (as much as possible) this event from occurring in the future.  And Now What When these events of dropping the ball present as a pattern, it may be a sign   that something isn’t working. Here are some things to consider: The system is not designed to support you. Be mindful of the expectations you’re placing on yourself and what you take on. Build up support systems and practice being gentle with yourself. You’re overwhelmed. Noticing yourself take more on, despite struggling, can be a clear sign that you’re burned out . The urgency and expectations are taking a toll. Notice spaces to pause, regulate, and reevaluate what is within your control. Lofty or ambiguous expectations . When the metric for success keeps moving, we are inevitably going to fall short. It may be helpful to reflect on your values and set actionable goals. It is normal to have expectations for ourselves, but it can be unworkable to have these expectations dominate our living.  Boundaries are needed. Failure to express and assert our needs comes at a cost. Boundaries may benefit you by clearly identifying what is possible. Flexibility for sustainable action.  There isn’t one “right” way to move towards our values or to live out all our values perfectly - all of the time . Instead consider how to flexibly show up in the ways that matter to you.  While reduced to bullet points, these are dense areas of reflection and practice. If you find yourself coming across challenges in implementing changes, working with a licensed professional can support you in building up a compassionate practice, help you to understand your own boundaries and needs, and explore flexible strategies of meeting you where you are.  In addition, we encourage you to check out our resources for your child on cognitive flexibility and working with overwhelm .

When we think about the early childhood years, it’s incredible to realize just how much your child is learning. They’re learning to move and care for their bodies, connect to and communicate with others, manage and understand their big feelings, and navigate and pivot during challenges. And - all the while - you are learning as a parent, too. With so much for us all to learn, it can be helpful for us as parents to have accessible tools and principles that keep us grounded and present, especially in the tricky moments. Enter: simplicity and specificity.  What They Are You know those moments where it seems like everything is just happening so fast and you’re not sure what to say or how to say it? Yeah, we’ve been there. These are precisely the moments where we can all benefit from a few keywords to help us recenter ourselves on the approach we wish to take. The principles of simplicity of specificity can serve as helpful anchors for us to meet our children where they are at while also helping to redirect their behavior. In these instances,   simplicity   helps us remember that we can keep it short and sweet, which can better help our young children register what it is we are saying. This is especially true in heated or challenging moments - moments where they are about to or have already flipped their lids : these are not the times for long, drawn out explanations or requests. It’s time to make it clear, succinct, and easy to understand. The importance of simplicity expands to calm and relaxed moments, too. Giving our children information that is bite-sized helps to make it more digestible. Keep it clear and keep it simple. Similarly, specificity   helps us remember to focus on telling our kids what to do , instead of just  what   not to do . When we are specific and consistent with our directives, our kids know their bounds and their limits: they know where the structure is and what to predict. They know exactly  what it is we are asking of them. They also know that when they are already trying and learning new things, we aren’t going to add on a mysterious and stressful guessing game for them. We get to help them register what to do and how to do it, and we are there to support them and scaffold their learning along the way. So in essence, we are reminding ourselves: be clear and concise about what we want to see. Why They Matter Utilizing simple and specific language helps us to meet our children where they are at developmentally and it can help contribute to their sense of security within our relationship. Developmentally-aligned From a developmental lens, simplified and specific messages can be easiest to digest: they are clear, they are directive, they aren’t overloading, and they can be quicker to make sense of. This is especially important in early childhood, when kids are already constantly working to process the information in their environment. Simplified messages help to prevent cognitive overload (i.e., feeling bogged down by an overly complex task), which can lead to big feelings of frustration and overwhelm. As a bonus, our children’s mastery of words and phrases is supported through the repetitive use of these simplified messages. In addition, phrasing our requests in a positive-manner - by telling them what we want them to do instead of what we don’t want to see - requires less steps for them to understand and respond to. For instance, a command such as “don’t color that!” requires our child to understand the subject we are referring to (i.e., the non-colorable item) and the action (i.e., coloring), what these two things mean together, and then it asks them to not do that action - an even more advanced request. We can shorten these steps and thus help set our kids up for success by removing that last part and letting them know what it is they can do instead (i.e., “color the paper”). Facilitative Our children are continually growing in their problem-solving and decision-making skills, and our specific and simplified requests can build their awareness of other ways they can get their needs met. By providing these clear directives and alternatives, we are helping them to make sense of how things can be used, where things can happen, and in what ways things can be done. Through this, we join alongside them to provide guidance that then allows them to take the next steps for themselves. We aren’t doing the thing for them, but we are helping them to see what directions they can move in so that they can reach the end goal they are striving for. Relationally-secure Offering clear guidance makes our expectations - and us as parents - predictable. As we like to often highlight, predictability and consistency help to promote a sense of relational and emotional safety: our kids feel secure in how we will show up as parents. This felt sense of safety within the relationship is crucial for co-regulation and for the eventual development of self-regulation skills, both of which support learning and growing throughout the lifespan.  How We Can Relate Let’s consider our own experiences as adults that highlight why simplicity and specificity are so important. Perhaps you’ve had a partner, supervisor, parent, or an authority figure in the past - or currently - who is clear on exactly how they like things done, but they aren’t very explicit in telling you what that looks like. Maybe you’ve received regular feedback from them about what “not to do” or that you’ve done something wrong, yet again, but still - without clear or consistent guidance on what to do differently. If you’ve had these experiences, the emotional impact of a lack of specificity may feel all too accessible: it can be stressful, overwhelming, and confusing. And over time, it can start to feel paralyzing. You may have regularly sifted through the mental list of “what not to do” while scrambling to identify some new option for what to try instead, and all the while feeling as though you are coming up short. Now let’s take an example looking at the importance of simplicity. Can you recall a time where someone was trying to explain something new to you - either to help you learn a new skill, master a new concept, explain an area of their expertise, or to request an action from you - but it just seems so complicated? Consider how the complexity experienced in these scenarios can be partially compounded by extra wordiness, an overload of details, unclear descriptions or instructions, or abstractness? As adults, we have great experience being extra wordy or inadvertently overcomplicating things. Our kids don’t have that experience or that mastery yet, so it’s extra important that we try to tailor our approach to where they are at developmentally. In brief, being specific, clear, and consistent in messaging may support relationships, learning, and set our children up for success. How to Apply Let’s take a look at some ways we can implement this into our everyday interactions. In daily life, this might look like… Saying “walk slowly” instead of “don’t run!” Saying “use a quiet voice” instead of “don’t yell!” While the opposite of “don’t run” or “don’t yell” may seem obvious to us, it doesn’t mean that it is obvious to our children. We can practice being clear on what we want to see, instead of what we don’t. Giving specifics on how we want something done can also sound like… Saying “you can use your markers at the table” instead of “don’t take your markers in there!” Saying “put away your clothes and make your bed” instead of “clean up your room!” (although depending on age, we may need to give just one instruction at a time: “put away your clothes” and then “make your bed”) Guiding our children on how to use certain items, where it’s okay to use them, or the specific tasks we want done can help them to better understand and visualize how to move forward. Additionally, when we break down larger tasks (like cleaning their room) into identifiable steps, we are also helping to support their executive functioning and their conceptualization of each of the components underlying the larger task at hand. When we want them to pay attention to something specific…  Saying “take your time;” “set that down gently - there are other bodies close to yours;” “take one step at a time;” or “watch where you’re walking” instead of “be careful!” Vague - and oftentimes automatic - directives like “ be careful ” don’t give our children much information to work with. They may not be aware of the specific things we want them to be looking out for and they are no more likely to recognize these things without us pointing them out specifically. When we know what it is we want to see as parents, let’s be sure to share that with our kids. We can help our children visualize a clear picture of what they can choose to do, thus helping them with their own decision-making and problem-solving. By sharing information this way, we are able to join alongside our kids as they learn to navigate new situations, try new approaches, and make sense of the world around them. Carrying Them Forward While simplicity and specificity can be powerful anchors in early childhood, the fact of the matter is that they can serve us well throughout our lives. Others are able to get a clear sense of what we are expecting or needing of them, and we are able to convey our requests in ways that they will be more likely to be heard and understood. Moreover, by providing our children with a clear path forward, we are helping them to gain a sense of mastery and self-efficacy in their actions, rather than contributing to confusion and overwhelm. Limit-setting, feedback, and general communication will expand and look different as children get older, but these guiding principles can still help us show up how we want to - both in the calmest and the most chaotic of times.

Our children never came with an instruction manual, but they may tell us more about themselves when we tune in to their bodies at work. If your child didn’t generate much enthusiasm for gymnastics or soccer, there may be more that meets your child’s sense of wonder and energy needs. We play important roles in celebrating their individuality and openness to experiences.  What Draws Them In For developing children, identity building is ongoing. Children learn through play - about themselves, the world, and their ability to interact and communicate with those around them. When children have opportunities to engage in organized activities, they build life skills, self-esteem, and social skills. Play-based activities also provide opportunities to build community and belonging. In addition, organized activities with consistent schedules can be useful in promoting self-regulation, safety, and predictability.  And sometimes the most predictable part of these activities is the backlash and resistance parents encounter when getting ready for them to begin.  While we don’t often know or understand what’s a fit before attempting it, we encourage you to intentionally observe your child when they are regulated, energized, and in flow . What are the activities that offer this effect and that can support future regulation and coping? Parents can also keep a lookout for the activities that appear to make them shine: where your child may marvel at their own growth, process, or their own potential.  These cues may be opportunities to open up to possibilities and invite curiosity about what will nurture their individual gifts. Sharing these observations with your children - again with curiosity and interest - can help them tune into what feels good for them, as well. When children are immersing themselves in new activities, they may be in such a rush with all of the things to “do,” that it can be harder to connect with how things feel for them in the moment. Inviting in reflection of these moments can encourage your child to slow down and notice these moments, as well. Growth-Oriented Language Trying new activities out doesn’t require expertise from our children or from caregivers. In fact, the process of learning is pretty universal. It involves staying open to the experience and applying actionable skills over and over. That’s something we all can continually practice, no matter our age. Parents can support this work for their children through use of growth-oriented language . Normalizing failure and effort is paramount to raising resilient and confident children. By opening up to possibilities, and turning away from preset expectations or an overemphasis on achievement or outcome, children can attribute their successes (like their willingness to try again) to their effort.  This language supports children in remaining curious about their own experiences and what feels good to their bodies and minds - even when it’s challenging. Comparison and judgment may show up, as they are part of the human experience, and still,  we can redirect our children to focus in on their own experiences. Helping our children to recenter their attention on the whole of their experience, rather than just how “good” they are at something or if a new skill came easily for them, can help them explore activities they might otherwise shy away from. Wide-range of Extracurriculars Many schools, libraries, and community parks may offer a wide-range of offerings to consider. And for many it may take more effort and flexibility to search out programs that cater to your child’s interest. Here are some extracurriculars to consider: Parkour Archery Dungeons & Dragons Nature Art Chess Club Finance Club Ceramics Music Mixing Photography Coding Storytelling (i.e., film, comics, poetry, etc.) Culinary Art  Engineering & Robotics Martial Arts Musical Instruments & Band Thankfully, so many worlds have opened up to us by way of video lessons and virtual apps. Children can see their interests represented by their peers and they can grow their knowledge through both research and immersement. While some interests may shed light on your child’s individual values, others may remain opportunities to center, create, and connect with others. Fortunately, each time your child discovers that an activity isn’t a fit for them, they are gathering information that can aid them in finding something that is. In each activity, we can consider the parts of it we liked and the parts of it we didn’t like so that we can decide what to try next. Regardless of what children gravitate to, caregivers can find ways to support them through curiosity, presence, and affirmation of their effort. It’s important that children feel understood for the significance their interests play in their lives, while recognizing that they are more than their parts.

As parents, we are deeply familiar with the idiosyncrasies of our children. We understand their food preferences, their humor, their sensitivities, and the nuances of their personalities. We’ve picked them up from long school days looking disheveled and very much unlike the children we dropped off. Still, we can recognize our children and readily anticipate their next need. There is so much richness in knowing our children, and yet, in tough moments, we can also reduce them down to a label. Why We Label Our minds are incredibly efficient at comparing, categorizing, and evaluating. From early development, we used these abilities to build vast networks of understanding. We relish the opportunities to distill complicated inputs into easily digestible bites. The simpler, the better. At least at times .  Labels can speed up communication and create clarity across individuals. They also have the power of validating experiences by linking us to community and putting an end to our isolation. Many of us have had the experience of bringing strings of symptoms into various appointments and finally reaching a diagnosis and course of treatment. The absence of labels can have us feeling wrong, alone, and unseen. How Labels Limit Still, the resoluteness of labels can have harmful effects. When children are reduced to labels, this may in turn cease further openness to understanding their experiences. The absence of curiosity can impact a child’s view of themselves and how others engage with them. And it may also potentially limit what’s possible.  Consider the label “shy child.” Innocuous in most cases, and commonly used by the most well-meaning. Still, consider that this label may be used at every introduction and internalized over time. Perhaps the reception is to limit interactions with the child or broadly discern that the child feels unsettled or uncomfortable across all parties. Over tim e, t his may lead a child to doubt their own experience of comfort with others. And this is with something fairly “harmless.” Imagine the labels that are made about abilities and appearances . And consider that these labels are often presented by the individuals who hold considerable influence in how children relate to themselves and to others.  Labels can begin to influence our own understanding and perception of our children, too. What may have started as a shorthand way to convey a child's experiences can turn into tunnel vision over time - where we focus heavily on that behavior or that struggle, and the other parts of who our children are or what they are experiencing start to fade away. Parents are not immune to the limiting effect of labels, even when we are the ones who chose to use them.  Behaviors in Context A shift in perspective is to work on distinguishing a child from their behaviors. For example, a child who experiences anxiety versus an anxious child. This shift in language is often termed person-first language, and is not the rule . Some communities prefer identity-first language and have important reasons in adopting this stance.  The utility of shifting our language in discussing our children is that it also facilitates curiosity. By not reducing our children to their behaviors, we leave space to understand their experience in context. A tantrum becomes less of a character flaw, and instead an invitation to turn towards. In this way, we can gather the information we need to understand our children’s needs and their own developmental capacity to handle adversity.  We won’t actually understand the function of our children’s behaviors unless we understand them in context . Our children choosing to bite a peer or withhold a toy is not a “bad child” or “difficult.” The experience may present as challenging to engage with, but it also doesn’t make us “bad parents.”  Rather, when we separate our children from their behaviors, we can reduce defensiveness and build up compassion. This applies to our assessment of a situation, but also to how we discuss concerns with our children. We can explore lying behaviors through curiosity and compassion without labeling our children “liars.” In doing so, there is room to explore how lying functioned for your child and meet them with understanding. This approach aligns you with your child and provides opportunities to explore other strategies of meeting needs.  Growth-Orientated Language This brings us to growth-oriented language - language that conveys the mindset that ability and intelligence can be improved through dedication and effort, as opposed to belief that these things are fixed or unchangeable. Embracing this mindset buffers against setbacks and helps to regard failures as learning opportunities. Caregivers (e.g., parents, teachers, coaches, etc.) play an important role in shifting mindsets from fixed to growth-oriented, all by attending to language . They do so by encouraging challenges, normalizing failures, celebrating effort, encouraging feedback and support, and acknowledging the presence of struggle in learning.  Growth-oriented language paves a path forward. This is helped by not reducing our children to labels or putting caps on their potential. Yes, labels may serve us and our children at times, and  it’s also key to stay alert to when labels may limit possibilities.

We all encounter struggles and suffering - and parenting certainly presents many. It cannot be helped. Our pain is tightly bound to the things that matter to us. And yet, despite the ubiquitous nature of suffering in parenting - so many suffer silently. Let’s explore how to understand these experiences and how to create more flexibility in how we respond to vulnerability.  Why Softening is Hard Moving into vulnerability is difficult in that we may feel exposed and unprotected. We see and feel the experiences within us that feel tender and they are left available for others to feast on. Or so it would seem.  Typically, the mind is quick to intervene and come to our defense with strong messages that tell us not to speak the silent part aloud. These messages of judgment meant to “rescue” us from our vulnerability have also been echoed by societies that value strength and power. And yet, it is clear from experience that moving into the vulnerable is not for the faint of heart. There is nothing weak about showing vulnerability. Said differently, vulnerability can conjure up our feelings of shame, the belief that we are unlovable and unworthy of belonging due to some flaw. Shame is the belief of not enoughness and it flourishes in secrecy. The harder we work to conceal it, the greater the sense of confirmation of it.  So when parents struggle with a sense of not enoughness and instead are presented with images of what “good parenting” is - yeah… it would seem best to keep struggle concealed, lest others confirm what we already suspect. Reasons to Try Vulnerability The ways to address shame are through vulnerability, connection, and self-compassion . When we are courageous to move into vulnerability, we lessen the hold that shame has on us and tap into human connection. Through connection we access the understanding of our own humanity and belonging.  This is an incredible gesture to honor your own humanity, but also to model for the young children in our care. Children learn through direct and indirect instruction and seek reassurance from their attachment figures. When they observe striving for unreachable expectations, dismissal of emotional expressions, and judgment towards human experiences - they are likely to understand this as appropriate for themselves, as well.  Isolation is another high cost of concealing our struggles. Parents already carry so much, and isolation can negatively impact physical, cognitive, and mental health. Being in connection with others is vital to our wellbeing. Social relating fosters safety within ourselves and supports our capacity to regulate our emotions.  Cues of Safety Our work on parenting emphasizes the importance of establishing safety, congruence, and openness towards ourselves and our children. Children who experience non-judgment and reassurances of love are more likely to extend this same type of care to themselves and to those around them. After all, attachment science tells us that the frameworks of how we view others and ourselves, and the ways we extend care to ourselves and to others, are initially developed through our relationships with our caregivers. As parents, we have an incredible opportunity to help build these frameworks in the ways that align with our values and the characteristics we hold most dear - all with the reminder that the care we extend our children is likely to be the care that they carry forward .  Like with our children, it is equally important that we identify spaces where we feel affirmed. While this experience is not guaranteed, it is important to stay open to the cues of safety and connection that exist. This may look like eye contact, following up, non-judgment, and reflections of care.  Methods of Sharing Understanding that sharing with support systems is useful does not mean that it requires you to share beyond your own boundaries of comfort. Staying attuned to your own boundaries is key in building up this practice of confiding in others. Share only what you really feel willing to. Sharing minimally: “I am not sure what to expect from soccer this season.” Sharing more: “It’s challenging joining the team whenever the other children and parents seem so well acquainted already.” Many fear that by sharing with others we place unnecessary burdens on them when everyone is already carrying so much. We can recognize how resourced others are by asking directly about their level of openness, and by sharing what you are doing to care for yourself.  For example: “I have been feeling off for the past week. I am working to take better care of myself, and I still would appreciate some time to connect when you’re free. Do you have the bandwidth to chat this week?” Even when others are unable to relate to your direct experiences, it is possible to connect by use of emotions.  For example: “I left the birthday party feeling disconnected and insecure with the other parents today…” It is also key to clarify our needs. In doing so, we are more likely to receive back what we need.  For friends, it may sound like: “Our morning routine has been so stressful following break. I don’t need strategies, just space to talk about it. I know that it will settle soon.” For our children, it may sound like: “Mama is feeling sad today. It’s okay to feel sad. I am going to be gentle with myself and go for a walk. Want to go with me?” Sharing also captures the experience of listening. Our openness to really seeing and hearing the experiences of others is important to connecting deeply. When we stay open to the struggles of others, there is reciprocity in understanding and care.  If you find yourself coming across challenges in sharing vulnerably, meeting with a licensed professional can support you in building up a compassionate practice, help you to understand your own boundaries and needs, and explore flexible strategies of meeting you where you are.

As humans, we are skilled at doing what feels familiar, comfortable, and has served us in the past. This can be incredibly useful until we’re interested in growing and practicing new behaviors. This read is all about bringing awareness to new spaces to intervene differently in the service of connection.  Learning is Uncomfortable Before offering new ways of engaging, let’s start by validating how challenging it can be to introduce new behaviors. It’s not just you, and it certainly doesn’t have to speak to your success as a parent. Learning new ways of engaging is challenging for lots of reasons.  To start, introducing new behaviors means first contacting old ways of engaging - and all the emotions, memories, and thoughts that come along with that. This may include the feelings of guilt and shame of having made mistakes in the past. It is a human experience to respond in self-protective ways by defending old patterns or by not confronting our behaviors at all. What can help this along is staying tethered to what is meaningful in leaning into this self-reflection - even when it’s hard to.  Even after we’ve opened up to these experiences, we’re confronted with the lifelong experience of how uncomfortable it can be to learn something new - even when we may dismiss the presence of this discomfort. Learning has us contact “not knowing.” Feeling de-skilled or lost can very much be overwhelming. Still, this feeling is not an unfamiliar one and is one that you’ve learned to make space for.  A common visitor of feeling de-skilled is the presence of critical and self-defeating thoughts. These too can be acknowledged without attaching to them. These thoughts can be loud, mean, and ring very true - and yet - they may remain present while  you do the hard thing. Thoughts are simply thoughts.  And finally, as parents, we’re confronted with the ever-present challenge of being busy and tired. As such, it is important to meet yourself with flexibility . Consider that when a child is struggling to learn something new, it is never that they are failing. It is about approaching them with extra support and flexibility to best meet their needs so that they are set up for success. This doesn’t change as we age. By first validating these challenges, then you can better explore ways to support yourself. If any of these present as “stuck points” for you, then it may be useful to explore support from an individual therapist to explore barriers and increase skills around this work. This is written simply to introduce new concepts, but it’s okay to experience these as challenging to implement. This is why extra support exists.  Clarifying “Connection” So what does connection actually look like? Consider times throughout your day or week when you feel most connected to your child.  Reflect on what that feels like for you in your body.  Reflect on what you observe on your child’s face and in their body when they present as connected. The ability to experience connection is incredibly important as it builds trust of belonging, love, support, and of feeling understood. Connection goes hand-in-hand with our experience of relational safety: our brains and bodies are hardwired for survival, so they are constantly searching for cues that tell us whether we can be at ease with those around us. When we experience connection and attunement from our loved ones, our internal “threat systems” no longer have to be on high alert. The benefits of experiencing connection and relational safety between caregiver and child is especially important for a child’s development. A child’s ability to soothe themselves, regulate their emotions, and tend to their needs first develops through co-regulation with a safe and attuned caregiver. As parents, we can help our children to interpret cues of relational safety in various ways. We can do so by modeling attunement and respect both within and outside of this relationship, presenting external cues of what safety can look like. We can also do so by giving them space to notice what connection feels like in their bodies and the emotions it stirs within them, thus building their awareness of internal cues of safety. We can also support our children to move into connection in the ways that feel safe and authentic to them.  Finding Spaces Understanding what connection feels like also helps with holding any past rules about connecting lightly. There may be expectations that surface, and still there are no limits to the varied ways you can nurture connection in your families. Consider these suggestions of spaces to connect: Not knowing/learning together Making mistakes Emotional expression and modeling of self-compassion Creating  Adventuring together Playing Being in nature together Laughing together Listening and moving to music Cleaning together Even if your mind tells you that there isn’t time, you can bring awareness to the opportunities that exist. With practice and feedback of how rich these experiences can be, it is likely that this practice becomes intuitive.  Using Language Words can also be another way to deepen connection with your child. Consider these suggestions of ways to connect with words: Express Appreciation   For sharing, asking questions, asking for help, existing, etc. Acknowledge Effort  When trying new things, expressing themselves, moving into challenges, etc. Model Openness & Acceptance Of emotions, needs, challenges, efforts to regulate, interests, passions, etc. Communicate love Upon seeing them, when embracing, at departures, when joining them in an activity, etc. Children are better able to connect with our words when the words are congruent with our bodies. We can deepen their reception of our messages to connect by turning towards them, connecting with our words, and pairing them with attunement. Because matching our nonverbals (e.g., body positioning, gestures, facial expressions, etc.) and verbals (e.g., tone of voice, words used, etc.) provides consistency and predictability, it also helps to support your child’s sense of safety and security in your relationship and in their own perceptions. Your child loves and needs you. Not a better, different version of you. Use the words that resonate with you and your child. Get creative and lean in.

Many times, after a tough encounter, parents don’t return to “close the loop.” Families may continue on as if nothing happened, never to speak of the incident again - that is, until it repeats itself. While there may be many reasons influencing parents to make this decision, this can also result in missing the best time for processing and skill-building.  Staying Curious So much about growing as parents is understanding our own inclinations, the impact of our upbringings, and the rules we’ve carried with us. Parenting is a minefield of these experiences as we may be continually confronted with reminders of our own childhoods - and sometimes our children even strongly resemble us! When apprehensions or discomfort appear, it can be a good signal to us to lean into them with curiosity to try to uncover what they might be telling us. In this particular type of scenario, the discomfort here may be surrounding the rules we carry about “conflict.” Take a moment to simply notice the sensations that arise in your body when you think of that word, the feelings that surface, and the experiences they are tied to. Notice if the recollections are from recent years or stem from childhood messages and experiences.  Parents may hold many different expectations about what conflict means - what it says about their parenting, what it says about their children, and how it informs expectations about how the situation will unfold. Parents commonly hold beliefs that any kind of “conflict” or “confrontation” is wrong, scary, or abrasive. And many may equate having a discussion after a tough moment as a “battle,” something that is tense and full of judgement and rigidity. A history of maintaining peace in families of origin may also lead some parents to experience conflict or tension as threatening or unnatural. Whatever hesitations or stuck points show up, it’s okay to acknowledge them. By bringing them into awareness and learning from them, we can more flexibly decide how we wish to proceed. We are not bound by past learning. By identifying our pain points and fears, and coupling them with perspective, we are able to lessen their power over us and our responses.  If you find yourself coming across stuck points, areas of discomfort, and rules you’ve taken from your own upbringing, unpacking these with a licensed professional can help you to disentangle from them and move forward in the ways that are meaningful to you. New Responses to Old Pains By uncovering what pain points may be getting activated for us, we can respond in ways that are both loving towards our children and the child-memory of ourselves. This is to say that we can reparent ourselves through compassionate and values-aligned practices. Consider these potential pain points and compassionate responses.  Pain Point:   History of Blaming & Judgment: Looping back in with our children following conflict can be approached with a non-judgmental and empathic stance. We get to have respect for their personhood and their experiences. We get to come alongside them to teach and guide, not to shame and belittle. Pain Point:  History of Invalidation: Making space for the full range of your child’s experiences communicates validation and affirms them. You can invite their perspective and validate how hard things must have been for them. You can hear them out and connect with them in the difficulty of the situation at hand, and you can still be a loving and steady presence that offers guidance and support. Pain Point: History of Overwhelm & Confusion: Approaching tough encounters as compassionate learning opportunities supports your child’s sense of competence and self-efficacy . You can come alongside them to think through things, problem-solve, and come up with solutions together. You can be the guiding adult that doesn’t leave them in the sticky tar pit, but instead helps them find their way out of there. Whatever pain points arise, there is the ability to learn and grow from them. As resourced adults, we have the ability to do things differently than might have been offered to us in the past. Sitting with our experiences, examining our takeaway messages, and being intentional about the steps we take can help us move in that direction. Reframing the Situation & Setting the Stage For many, conflict or tough interactions may carry an adversarial tone. There may be additional held narratives around “defending oneself” or being “right.” However, anticipation of a “battle” may inadvertently cause a battle to occur. Held and maintained expectations and anticipations can very much influence how these interactions are approached - and thus, how they unfold. By holding these expectations “lightly,” parents can more freely clarify motivations for following back up. Perhaps the follow-up may be to apologize for any missteps and harm, give space to talk things through, understand what happened, extend compassion to their experience, and lend support in areas like problem-solving and social dynamics.  You can define your role in your child’s life. You may choose to show up as a supportive, loving, and sturdy parent. You may bring awareness to any instances of shame, judgment, or criticism, and instead help your child to grow in a safe, compassionate, and supportive environment.  Following back up also entails bringing awareness to any expectation of our child’s role and reactions. Children may not be ready for the conversation yet, and that’s okay. They may bristle at the thought of talking it through, or they may feel embarrassed, confused, or upset. Observation of their reactions may offer cues for how to support them and the messages they may need to hear from us.  While this process of following back up may be discouraging at times, consider the actions you’ve taken to engage in values-aligned ways. Regardless of their readiness to engage, you’ve sent the message that their experiences matter to you, that you are invested in understanding their experiences and feelings, and you’re available to help. When these messages are received regularly, even the most hesitant of children may be ready to open up and talk things through with you in the future. We talk through using our values to guide us as parents and joining alongside our children to problem-solve as a team in our comprehensive compassionate parenting course . Follow us on social media to stay up-to-date on our offerings and to take part in our series all about parenting intentionally.