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Nope - This isn’t a read for storing up more parenting rules or manualized rigidity. Rather, it’s a love letter to books and how books can be helpful tools for the hardworking caregiver. For the parent who is stretched thin and feels overwhelmed by the idea of tackling more - read on. “Take a look, it’s in a book…” Do you hold childhood memories tied to books? Perhaps they were narrated by Lavar Burton or spent alongside a parent or teacher. Books are ways to connect children to themselves, others, and vast worlds of possibility. What books left a lasting impact on you? Was it the rhythm of the story? The captivating images? Perhaps a plot twist a la Miss Viola Swamp ? Books harness the power of the experiential. They allow readers to learn through experience and immersement. Because books can leave such a powerful impact, we love to highlight them as influential parenting and child development tools. Parents take on so much and carry the responsibility of supporting social and emotional development, so partnering with trusted books and authors can help to share some of that weight. Books are incredible resources for promoting open discussion of challenging topics, ways to practice moving into values, and connection between you and your child. There are also added benefits of promoting cognitive and social emotional development. Books help to open children to their inner worlds and can encourage them to follow their creativity to the utmost limit. Therapy in the Picture Books? While we are obviously proponents of mental health and the utility of therapy, we also believe that there are many ways to support mental health. Bibliotherapy is the use of books to support people through reading and storytelling. This includes self-help books as well as picture books, and anything in between.  Life offers us many challenges with loss of family members and pets, health issues, identity exploration, and more. As parents are constantly moving to fix up the “next leak in the boat”, they also carry a lot of pressure to parent well. Books are one way to build support around you and increase your confidence in facilitating discussions around harder life experiences.  Perhaps you’ve been in the throes of grief and felt the demand to provide emotional understanding? It’s a lot to take on, but you’re not alone in it. Children’s books can support big life events like adjusting to new additions to the family, and they can also support working through normal, developmental challenges (e.g., sharing, perfectionism, jealousy, courage, etc.). When selecting books to support a life stressor, we encourage finding books that match their presenting concern, are culturally and characteristically similar to your child, and are developmentally appropriate. Beyond being able to process their experiences through a character’s arc, children are able to see themselves and their struggles represented. We all need reminders that we are not alone in our struggles. Nothing Stacks Up to Libraries Still, finding a great match of books can be challenging. We love to highlight some of our favorites . Teachers and child therapists may also offer great recommendations. But never discount the librarians. They make Shh happen. Librarians are our first stop for seeking out book recommendations for special topics to support parents. They know what to search for, how to search, and what other community events may be relevant. From books to movies, games, and other learning tools, libraries are a hub of community resources for you and your family - no spending necessary.  Beyond building a love of literacy, libraries help build community. And that’s something we believe deeply - that parenting should be done in community.  Reading Rituals The presence of rituals is powerful because it fosters consistency and belonging for children. Establishing a ritual of reading together into a bedtime routine is a brilliant way to wind down from the day, promote literacy, open discussion, and connect with your child. Bedtimes can already feel like a rush to the finish line - but they can be much more. No matter when you choose to establish your reading ritual, we encourage you to play. Let the stories transport you, too. Showcase your array of voices, get lost in exploring illustrations, and stay curious. Neither you nor your child need to have all the answers - but searching in the next book together can be part of the adventure.

When it comes to parenting, we’re in it for the long haul. While we’re doing our best to take on the moment before us, we’re also devoted to setting up our children for the future. And there’s a powerful way to do it: play. The Power of Play When you see a child engaging in play, you are seeing a child who is hard at work. As Mr. (Fred) Rogers very astutely pointed out, “...for children, play is serious learning. Play is really the work of childhood.” Play is an instrumental activity in childhood: it’s how children learn and develop their skills, gain a sense of mastery, and make sense of their world and their experiences.  Through play, children are able to try out different solutions and endings to the many experiences they or their characters may be facing. Unstructured play also provides opportunities for fostering curiosity and creativity, understanding and exploration of emotions, and connection with self and others. While in other contexts children may have other expectations set upon them, protecting their play allows parents to meet them where they are. The benefits of play on child development are well supported in research, too. From fostering your child’s cognitive development, curiosity, acquisition and understanding of language, and motor skills, to helping boost their social emotional skills, creativity, and self-expression, play helps children to grow many different skills at once. In addition, play supports self-regulation skills and the formation of safe and stable relationships with caregivers. It is for these reasons that numerous child development experts emphasize the importance of play and of a play-based (or “ playful learning ”) curriculum for early education - a child’s learning is strongly supported through play. While there are clear benefits of guided and independent play, we also wish to highlight the beauty of joining your child and following their lead during playtime. Joining Your Child’s World Play can be an incredibly connecting experience between a caregiver and a child. We also understand that for many adults, engaging in pretend or unstructured play can feel… well, really difficult. We’ve often heard from adults that they feel at a loss of how to play with their child, what it is they “should” be doing during that time, or they feel bored by the repetition of it all. We are here to share with you that your reactions are okay, normal, and common -  you are a human, first and foremost, and you are allowed to have your own emotions.  Something we often hear as well is that for many adults, there may be a pull to teach or guide during their child’s play. While there are of course many benefits to the guidance a caregiver can provide to their child, we invite you to let go of that pressure during these moments. We know, we know - letting go of that pressure as a parent to “do enough” or “be enough” is really challenging. Sometimes it can feel as though we are hardwired to believe we need to “do more” and “be more” for our children, endlessly. And yet, we are here to remind you that in all times - and especially during times of play -   being with your child really is enough. When we think of our child’s request to play as their extending us an invitation to join their inner world, we may be better able to tap into the wonder and curiosity that is driving them. Envision yourself as their passenger, following their cue to see where their mind and heart take the two of you. To join in these adventures, take a moment to ground back in your body and with your intention of creating space. Notice with curiosity how your child is currently understanding their world, how they are approaching and tackling new and difficult endeavors, and how their creativity and imagination are choosing to express themselves. Through it all, when you are with them in these experiences, you are also helping them to feel seen, cherished, and loved for the entirety of who they are. The richness of this gift cannot be overstated.  A Shift in Perspective There are so many times throughout your child’s day that they are expected to follow the instructions and expectations of others. This is why it is especially important that we can protect playtime as a time in which they can stretch their muscles of autonomy, self-efficacy, and decision-making. We can let go of the preplanned notions we may have, the lessons we hope they will learn, or the skills we wish they will grow during playtime - and trust that they will take the play where they need it to go.  Following their lead can also help us to fill up on these moments with our children. It is an opportunity to soak up what we’re working so hard for. When we can refocus our attention on being present with our child and tuning into their experiences, we can be witness to what unfolds together.  Do you remember that feeling when your baby would finally get to sleep and you’d pull out your phone to consume more evidence of their cuteness? When you’d be met with those primal urges to wake them from their hard-earned slumber to just love them up some more? Yep. That’s the stuff. That’s the deep appreciation that we can offer our children in play.  Because we believe so fully in the power of play, we crafted a social media series  all about it. Within this series, we’ve highlighted our favorite skills from our training and experience in Child-Centered Play Therapy and Child-Parent Relationship Therapy. These skills center around helping you to immerse yourself in your child’s world and helping your child to feel seen, known, and encouraged throughout their play. Click on any of the images below to view the full posts. Posts include digestible tidbits of the “why’s” behind these skills and concrete examples of how you can try them out. Following Your Child's Lead Reflections Esteem-Building Returning Responsibility Facilitating Decision-Making Using the Whisper Technique Attuning Verbally & Nonverbally

Walking through a world of uncertainty with your child is no small feat. While experiencing our own discomforts we’re also keenly aware of the demands to provide assurance to the small faces searching our own. Whether we’re faced with an unknown stressor or are feeling them pile on, parenting through these spaces is worth talking about. Why Ambiguity is Challenging As humans, we crave control. Even when we know it’s outside our reach - we will still settle for the semblance  of control. Ambiguity and uncertainty can prompt anxiety, overwhelm, and indecision. It threatens our sense of knowing, predictability, and control.  Couple this with a parent's experience of living with their heart outside of their body (i.e., our children), and we’re mere puddles of anxiety. We are tasked with keeping our children loved and safe - and it’s a trust exercise from the moment we behold them. Trusting that monitoring symptoms is sufficient for the time being. Trusting that they will remember to look both ways before crossing the street. Trusting that they will make friends who value the nuances of their being. Trusting that others will handle them with respect and care.  How We Try to Resist But trusting is difficult and we want assurances. Especially when something so precious is at stake. And when things get challenging, we humans have learned ways to resist. We are actually incredibly creative and efficient at finding ways to move away from our unwanted, private experiences. Private experiences are everything that is unseen by others - the stuff that happens within our own skin. This entails our thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations, and memories.  We avoid situations where we may be prompted by the distress of uncertainty. But actually, as humans, we don’t even stop there. Because of our capacity to use language, we can call upon distressing stimuli no matter where we are. Lying in bed, that hard-earned and long-awaited opportunity to rest, and without the actual presence of the avoided stressor - and POP! There it is. Conjured up in our minds and, all of a sudden, our bodies are cued up to respond as if it is actually present. No escape.  But as we know, we like the very idea of having control. So we suppress , distract, deny, resist, disconnect...You get the picture. But unfortunately, our experience confirms what is backed by r esearch: th ese efforts don’t work. At least not in sustainable ways. And they tend to exacerbate our distress.  Parenting Through It All An alternative to avoiding is acceptance or willingness. Practicing willingness to make space for all of the discomfort that comes with uncertainty, and choosing freely to persist in ways that align with our deep ly-hel d values. We do this by engaging with ourselves in compassionate ways so we can carry the challenges that are currently present and those that are up ahead.  Parenting today is difficult - even with all the modern conveniences available to us. We have had to wake up each morning and parent through unprecedented events. Practicing compassion is validating the challenges that are present, meeting our experiences with understanding, and moving towards our suffering with warmth and care.  We’ve done this before. Every single time you’ve responded to your child after a hurt with warmth, presence, and openness. This is just the opportunity to channel that to yourself, as well as to your child, for the stuff that’s unseen. Compassionate observance of it all. Yes, And Yes, this sounds so easy. And historically it may have been. Still, this work is challenging for many reasons and it’s okay to take it on in small, meaningful actions.  Part of this work is centered on tuning into your body’s experiences. If the level of stress you’re experiencing is impacting your functioning, then you may be outside your “ Window of Tolerance .” This idea in psychology is used to capture the ideal range of arousal for our nervous systems and emotions. Staying curious about your experiences may help you determine what you need to help you to regulate your nervous system.  When we are connected to ourselves, we are also better able to tap into our personal values . Values may serve as a compass when things feel uncertain. They provide a guide so that we may align with what is most dearly meaningful to us. While you may never have been at these crossroads before, you can take intentional steps to live congruently with your values - living with purpose , always.  Whether you would like extra support with practicing acceptance, incorporating self-compassion practices, clarifying values, or establishing regulation skills, individual therapy may be an avenue to explore. We also encourage the presence of community-building to establish external supports. Being in community with others can support compassionate practices because it links us to our shared humanity and can offer reminders of safety to our nervous systems.  Yes, things are really hard right now. You are not alone, and there are many compassionate ways to meet your and your child’s experiences.

Invisible labor of parents is everything that is often not named, but is very much felt. In addition to honoring the everyday work of parents AND validating the daily depletion, this read also aims to build up a sustaining practice of self-compassion.  Acknowledging the Load Invisible labor is the undervalued and unpaid labor that keeps families and other workplaces going. Often the “product” or “outcome” is recogniz ed in some spaces, but parenting doesn’t work that way. There isn’t an end to the work of loving, nurturing, and supporting children. Here are just a few examples of invisible labor: Maintaining and strengthening family relationships Organizing schedules Anticipating needs Ensuring emotional wellbeing Flexing sleep and work schedules to care for sick children Attending to hygiene Setting up all health visits Creating and capturing “magic” moments Everything that goes into play dates… etc. These tasks all require physical, emotional, and mental effort, and are not done in isolation. Oftentimes these tasks are carried in the context of multiple children, work stress, health issues, financial barriers, and life challenges. These tasks may also vary based on parenting and partner/family support. Sometimes even the inability to partake in some of these tasks can take a larger toll on us.  Understanding the Toll When we are engaged in the daily toil, we believe we can’t afford to stop. Our minds are ever so helpful in this way - keeping us going. However, our minds aren’t doing us any favors when we bypass our body’s needs. Just because we can keep going, doesn’t mean we should.  When we fail to notice our own needs like sleep, food, movement, connection, or other basic needs, we risk our ability to show up fully in the ways that matter. Taking on so much can have a negative impact on our stress levels, our internalized expectations of self, and lead to burn out. We may be doing all of this for our children and families, but when we lose balance- that motivation ceases to give back.  Recipe for Self-Compassion Establishing a practice of self-compassion can help sustain us through life’s challenges. Taking inventory of what’s occurring for you is an important start. We can pair that with non-judgment and curiosity. Yep, there’s a lot to be carrying, and times are challenging.  From there, we’ll add a dash of warmth and understanding. It’s okay to struggle and to want to do our best. It makes sense that you feel the way you do.  And then sprinkle on some common humanity. You’re not alone in what you’re feeling. Compassion practices can be that simple, but can be a struggle to get going when we’re not familiar with a kinder way of engaging with ourselves. Still, lots of resources exist for how to move into this work.  Engaging in self-compassionate care can also look many different ways. It can look like community care, self-advocacy, delegation of responsibilities, self-care, and simply saying “no.” Your struggle to carry it all doesn’t reflect some personal or moral shortcoming. Parenting is difficult and we were never meant to carry it alone. Having resources around you to affirm and support you is important.  Stay Flexy Whether it looks like reminders of appreciation from outside sources (like this one) or from self-directed and mindful reminders of warmth and understanding, we hope you are offering yourself what you need. Maybe from this compassionate stance you can notice where there is space to practice flexibility with the tasks you pick up daily.  When we are committed to living in alignment with our values, it does mean understanding that not all of our values get lived perfectly all of the time. We may k now this cognitively, but strug gle with this knowing when we’re confronted with the tension of two (or more) competing values. When we allow ourselves to stay flexible with how we live our values, then we may prevent overextending ourselves. Just like with muscles, flexibility reduces the risk of physical injury.  Life is hard enough, let’s not add to it. Instead, find a compassionate balance that supports you in staying present for those moments of connection with your children that make it all worth it.  We understand that the act of self-compassion can feel unfamiliar to many people. For this reason, we’ve developed a self-compassion   course that includes a comprehensive guide and specialized activities for children, adolescents, and parents. This course is designed to build up a new skill or meet you and your child's current needs with this work.

There is a common misunderstanding that frequently shows up in parenting spaces: mistaking compassion for permissiveness. The conflating of these two qualities is fairly understandable at face value. Still, the constructs of compassion and permissiveness are really quite distinct and in very important ways.  What’s Left Unsaid Oftentimes, the entangling of these two concepts happens when talking about younger children, with caregivers worrying that if they respond to their child’s cries or tantrums that they are:  “giving in”  “teaching to deliberately act out” “teaching to get upset when things don’t go their way” “spoiling them” Or that their children: “will learn to be dep endent on their parent” “will expect everything to go their way” “won’t be growing the skills needed to deal with the ‘real world’” These beliefs can certainly present as alarming, and unfortunately can make it challenging to integrate new ways of parenting. While we cannot remove past learning, we can add to the understanding of what’s happening for the child and why a caregiver’s approach is so important. Let’s expand on what your child is likely needing and what is typical or necessary for their development. When a child is distressed or is working hard to navigate big feelings, they are behaving EXACTLY as their bodies are designed to. Children are learning to develop control over their emotions, behaviors, and impulses - but this is a process that develops well into early adulthood. They just aren’t there yet, but we can help them to be . We can partner with them and see beyond their behaviors to understand what they might be telling us about their needs and how we can show up for them as parents. As par ents, we want to meet our children where they are and we want them to know that they can depend on us to be there for them and to help them work through it. This safety and consistency is actually one of the tenants of establishing healthy relationships to themselves and to others: secure attachment.  Fostering a Secure Attachment: Safe Haven Let’s examine attachment relationships more closely. There are three core caregiver functions that support the development of a secure attachment, one of which is serving as a “safe haven”. What this means is that the caregiver provides nurturance and care during moments of pain and upset, helping the child to feel seen and known, regulate their emotions, and restore their sense of safety. The consistent presence of this care and compassion helps to establish a sense of predictability for the child, which in turn, contributes to an enduring sense of safety and security in their relationships and in the world at large.  This is to say, that repeated actions of nurturance form the basis of a child viewing the world – and those within the world – as loving, dependable, and safe. Further, it helps to instill the belief that their experiences matter, and that their emotions, their wants, and their needs are valid and are worthy of being expressed. Let’s hold onto these messages as you consider the last challenge your child experienced. Imagine that they were able to meet their own experiences with equanimity and seek the support they needed. How would this feel for you as a parent to see? Now imagine a recent challenge you experienced as an adult that truly tested you. Imagine that you were also able to meet your own experiences as valid and fully worthy of being met with support and understanding. How might that have changed things for you?  These are incredibly powerful messages for children to receive because they help to construct the framework from which they begin to understand and respond to their own experiences. And you get to be the one to share these messages with them. But What about Permissiveness? Let’s return to this central concern – that responding to our child’s cries will turn into a slippery slope where we just “give them” whatever it was they were crying for. This is where the balance of compassion and boundaries come into play (and it is also where our own regulation and ability to tolerate their distress comes in).  As a parent, we very much can – and, we believe, we very much should - send our children the message that their experiences, emotions, and needs matter all while holding still to our boundaries and limits. This type of parenting style, known historically as authoritative parenting, incorporates the compassion we can offer through being attuned and responsive to our children’s needs alongside the stability and guidance we can offer through consistent and clear structure. This balanced parenting approach has more recently been characterized as “gentle” parenting, and perhaps that’s where some of the misconceptions have arisen. Gentle doesn’t  mean permissive or “overly soft” – it means that we are parenting in a compassionate and loving way. Expectations and limits are clear, consistent, and predictable and the child’s feelings matter and are acknowledged.  So What Does this Actually Mean? In these moments of upset where your child may be crying in response to a limit you’ve set, their feelings matter. Their reactions make sense – of course they are likely to be distressed! It can be really hard for things to not go the way they wanted, especially when they are still learning how to navigate the overwhelm that can come from really big emotions and disappointments. So let’s interpret these tears as a request for your help: both in terms of understanding and validating their emotions, and for skill-building around how to navigate such difficult feelings. Using this type of lens helps us to shift away from interpretations that our child is being dramatic, causing an embarrassing spectacle, misbehaving, or confirming suspicion that we’re failing as parents. Instead, we can see that within this situation, there is a child struggling with something very real and very human, and they need our help getting through it. We can meet them in these moments with compassion and validation of their feelings: you see that they are hurting, and you get it. We can invite them in with comfort and care to help them soothe and regulate, and all the while, we can still hold to the limits that we had set. Let’s say that in this tough moment, your child is screaming, throwing objects off the shelves, and hitting those around them. This also doesn’t  mean that we need to accept or condone that behavior. Instead, like Daniel J. Siegel, M.D. says, you can “say yes to the feelings, even as you say no to the behavior.”  This is where we can set limits in the moment and then work on skill-building once things have cooled down.  It’s absolutely understandable that our children may feel upset that they couldn’t get that toy they wanted, and… that’s okay. That doesn’t mean that we’ve done something wrong by saying no or setting that limit, and that doesn’t mean that we have to then give them that toy. But that also doesn’t mean that we need to ignore the pain that is overwhelming their brain and their body. We don’t have to forfeit our gentleness or our relationship with our child in order to maintain our structure, and we don’t have to forfeit our structure and limits in order to attend to our child’s emotional needs. Refocusing on the Larger Picture So what do we hope you might take away from this? That you can always respond to your child’s cries, their expression of their needs, and their struggles. And you can do so with love, understanding, and compassion. Doing so doesn’t mean you are teaching your child to turn up the dramatics. On the contrary, it’s teaching them that they – all of who they are and all of their experiences – are safe with you.  We understand that integrating and trusting this approach may be stressful and challenging, especially in the moment. It’s for this reason that it’s something we highlight throughout our social media content and within our courses . It’s a balance that takes time, practice, and intention – and it’s one that is well-worth the effort. You are instilling the message that they can be loved through it all.

A constant companion to almost every parent is the fear that they are “messing up”. Parenting is hard work and we carry a lot of pressure to “get it right”. While we obviously support the integration of research-informed parenting strategies, we also believe in the value of small, authentic moments of connection. And there’s a lot to say about how these things are linked. That Deep Sea Pressure As psychologists who work closely with parents, caregivers, and other mental health professionals, we are privy to the intense levels of pressure we feel to do our best for the children in our lives. This pressure occurs long before we fill those parenting roles because we are constantly inundated with rules about what it looks like to do it “right”. These rules are often culturally informed, generationally learned, and may often compete with our own “knowing”.  And the busier that life gets, the more that pressure climbs. For those of us tackling many roles, we don’t always notice the pressure we’ve accustomed to. It’s probably that deep sea pressure where the blog fish dwells. Until an event occurs where we’ve gotten it “wrong”, and we’re overcome by feelings of shame and guilt.  Most notably, this stems from moments of feeling watched and judged by others, of feeling evaluation, comparison, and feeling out of control. Take a moment and think about those spaces where you feel this most.  Understanding Your Why In the spirit of compassionate practices, we want to highlight that this VERY HUMAN experience makes sense. In the words of Steve Hayes, Ph.D., “ You hurt where you care, and you care where you hurt.” In other words, the marker of pain can be a clear sign that our values are connected to parenting. You love your child(ren) and want the best for them. Perhaps this is also layered with your own values of wanting to offer them a childhood that was more than what you knew growing up. Maybe you’re also wanting for them to have what you valued deeply as a child. What did YOU treasure? When you think back on your childhood, what were the small acts that you treasured growing up? What were the outings, acts, gestures, or moments that you still treasure?  When we started asking folks about their memories, we were warmed by the beautiful and vast responses we received . Presence was the resounding theme of the responses. Presence of adult caregivers was valued across the small memories of outings, dance parties, play, time in nature, bedtime stories, meals, etc. The messages of safety and love were all communicated in varying ways of seeing their child and being  with.   It’s clear from these responses that the act of being with a child - being present, responsive, and attentive - leaves a long-lasting impact. In addition to serving as the cornerstone of cherished memories, the reliable presence of a caregiver is incredibly powerful in other ways, too. When children experience the consistent and predictable presence of a caregiver, they develop a sense of safety and security within that relationship: they know that their caregiver will be there for them in times of joy and in times of distress.  When children experience this sense of safety then it serves as a strong buffer against the challenges a child may face in their daily life, whether or not that you are physically present with them, and it helps to form the blueprint from which children shape their expectations about other relationships throughout their lives. This is to say that you are with them, even  at times that you’re unable to be. Like music to a parent’s ears.  This practice of being compassionately present, especially when your child is distressed, reaffirms the message that they are seen, known, and loved, and that the child does not need to go through their big feelings alone. This act of being with and helping to soothe a distressed or dysregulated child, known as co-regulation, develops that child’s capacity to eventually be able to offer that same care and compassion to themselves.  Drink Up We put in a lot of work, and we deserve to fill up on it when we’re in it. Gently set down those rules and expectations, and drink up the very thing that fuels you. Remember that you’re doing the damn thing. That showing up fully in connection is both for you and your child(ren). Rumi’s famous quote, “Look past your thoughts, so you may drink the pure nectar of this moment” , must have had parents in mind.